The last 6 years have been some of the best and absolute worst. When I say the absolute worst I don’t mean that I lost a loved one, my home, or job. I didn’t go without food, a hug when I needed it most, or even something as important as having another soul to call on when I just needed a good cry. They were some of the worst because I lost sight of what was important. It was as if I was continually burying a vision of my ‘perfect’ life and turning 30 made the mourning worse. Nothing felt good enough and from the outside looking in it was evident that I was sabotaging everything I have every prayed and worked towards. From the inside there was a girl scream crying about how I was a complete failure because I didn’t have the body of a Victoria’s Secret Angel, I wasn’t excelling fast enough as an entrepreneur or at my 9-5, ashamed to say I dropped out of college, I wasn’t traveling as much as I thought I would be by my age, my marriage wasn’t straight from a romance novel, and I didn’t feel like God was listening any longer. Ya’ll, I was a hot mess.
I didn’t know how to handle all of these thoughts and emotions, so I did what any self-sabotaging girl would do and I started shutting down and shutting people out. I began avoiding life as if it were truly possible to push pause. All I could think about is how I wanted to quit everything and run away. Overwhelming stress became my norm, I was incredibly angry at God, and I became someone unidentifiable to my family. Let’s all light a candle for that poor girl.
I can’t even begin to explain how much I dislike her. She isn’t anything like me- the real me. The girl who wants everyone to be happy and at peace, who is thankful for every single day she gets with her husband, who gets excited about the littlest of things, who loves showering others with gifts, who dotes on her kiddos, who loves car rides if for nothing else than for the concert that happens while driving, the girl who thanks God for all things happy and not… Gah, do I wish that she would have sought a therapist to help her sort through all of these issues to get through them faster. Chick was stubborn. I would dare to say that I tested my momma’s patience way more in the last 6 years than I did during all of my high school days. God bless that woman.
But here is where I get to talk about some of the best parts of the last 6 years. This is the good stuff. It’s like in elementary school when the teacher would give you a connect the dots worksheet and seeing what the picture is once it is all done. I loved doing those! It’s just like that, but better because it’s my picture.
This morning I was lucky enough to have a chance to rest and do some scripture reading. I love to journal when I read scripture. It is my therapy and where I feel happiest. I opened my notebook up and as I was flipping through to get to a blank page I noticed this title, “Joy: The Mark of the Christian.” Intrigued, I began to read through my notes and remembered that I had taken these just a few months ago. I had written this quick definition down which read “Joy- an inward experience, sense of peace and serenity from Jesus. It is not achieved.” A few pages later I had made a list titled “Today’s Truths” and I thought ‘Yes! I am going to speak life over myself and my family today!’ and began to create a new list. Somewhere on that list I wrote
“I want to be the girl I was 15 years ago:
-upbeat and fun
-a little more lean and fit
-up on current trends
-wanted the life I have now”
That’s when it hit me. In plain sight while thinking about where I was 15 years ago, who I was, and what dreams I had for myself- I saw her and I remembered. I remembered that all the things I have now were exactly the things I had been praying for. A hard working husband who loved me, a home to call my own, my boys, crazy adventures, delicious food, becoming involved in my community, and being able to help others. All this time I couldn’t see the forest for the trees (AND I figured out what that phrase actually meant). That’s the girl I remember. That’s the girl I am. This is the life I had dreamed of and prayed for and God had been answering those prayers for years and years.
Praying for what you want isn’t like rubbing a bottle hoping there is a Genie inside. It is much different. It is aligning your life with God’s plan and praying for his guidance. Then one day you will be able to look back and see that the life you are living now is exactly the path God was putting you on.